Facing My Own Mortality

My dad and I a few years ago

My dad says that the older you get the more you realize your own mortality. You know that your days are number and you try to prepare for what will inevitably come. However, we don't know when we are going to die. God never promised each of us would live into our old age. When we are young, we plan for our future, dying never really crosses our mind. We feel invincible with our whole life ahead of us.

Treatment #6

However, getting old is not the only time we come face to face with our own mortality. I am certainly no "spring chicken" but I still want to plan my future and seek what things may be just beyond my fingertips, to see around the bend of the next phase in my life. 

Having cancer doesn't always mean a death sentence. There have been many advances in medicine to fight all kinds of cancer with great success and many, many, many lives have been saved. 

Rachel's Dance

 I am fighting to be one of those success stories but if you have ever faced your own mortality; whether by age or by health issues, there is a place down deep that is preparing for the "what if". What if this is my last Resurrection Sunday with my family? What if this is the last concert I get to watch my son perform? What if this is the last dance I get to help my daughter dress for? What if this is the last anniversary with my husband?

Noah's Concert

Now, please don't get me wrong, I am not going into depression or giving up, but the lesson I am taking away from these "what if's" is that every moment should count whether cancer takes my life or I am a success story to live many more years. Every picture is valuable, every holiday special, every event isolated, and with that, every person unique and every relationship distinctive. How often I have taken life for granted; my husband, kids, friends, gifts, talents, jobs, and God.    

With all that said, since starting chemo I have given up driving because I don't think quickly or clearly enough to make driving decisions. I spend most of my days at home; resting and caring for myself. 

So, I can fill my day with anything that I feel like. I have been advised that I can eat anything I feel like eating. I can do anything I feel like doing. I can go anywhere I feel like going. I sleep when I feel like sleeping and work when I feel like working. It's all about listening to my body and giving it what it "feels" like. With this kind of protocol, I can fill my day with complete nothingness if I feel like it. 

So, the other morning, I scolded my daughter for piddling around instead of getting ready for school. "I don't know if you are getting lost in daydreams, messing on the phone, or going back to sleep but you have to stop piddling around and get ready," I said sternly. 

Five minutes after she made her way out the door I was comfortably positioned in what I call my Shepherd's Field where I spend time with God in prayer and scriptures. I heard God say to me, "You are getting lost in daydreams." 

It is always so astounding to me when God uses situations as a parable to teach me about myself. As I reflected I could see the times that my daydreams led me to my phone for conversation or information and fell asleep to God's voice. 

Every moment counts and I don't want to waste another one lost and asleep to this wonderful life God has given me and I don't want to miss out on another word God has to say to me. 

I am assured of God's mercy, faithfulness, and compassion in the scriptures. "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good to them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him" Lamentations 3:20-25.