Communicating Neuropathy

Only four more treatments to go!!! However, we have now come to the point that neuropathy is a real issue. I have started feeling a slight numbness in my fingers and toes.

The Oncology team has always evaluated the neuropathy each week to determine whether or not I will continue with the next treatment, but now it is serious enough that each week could be my last because they don't want to cause permanent damage to my body.

It is critical that I be able to communicate what I am feeling because neuropathy cannot be seen, tested, or examined. I'm not sure I did a very good job describing these new and strange sensations; I looked for comparisons and examples, but I didn't feel confident in my explanation.

It would be so much easier if the Doc could take my hand, mash my fingertips, examine my fingernails, and tell me the stage of neuropathy I'm at but unfortunately for me, clear communication is the only way to be safe.

Communication is difficult that's why there are so many misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and bruised relationships which can cause permanent damage to the heart. Neuropathy is the only side effect that can cause permanent damage to the body, so my future health depends on my clear communication.

It's not always easy to find the right words at the right time to say exactly what you want to say. It's not easy for the listener to wait in silence while we find those words either so they begin to talk and communication is lost. Many times this is why we keep talking through our thoughts and sometimes say things we really don't mean; we are just trying to hold our place in the conversation. This is one of the many issues that can arise.

This is the same issue that arises in our prayer life. Communicating with God can feel complicated if we think we have to know exactly what we want to say and have all the right words at the right time. I found out recently that this is why many people say recited prayers; this is especially true for our children and young Christians. But, a lack of meaningful communication to God in prayer can cause permanent damage to our soul.

I remember when I was a child, my siblings and I had the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer every night. I did not pass that prayer to my children because I wanted them to have more meaningful communication with the Lord. However, they somehow managed to find a comfortable prayer and began reciting it every night. They had a slightly different prayer for the morning.

When I asked them about it, they admitted that they didn't always know what to say and it felt strange to have silence during prayer time while they thought through what they wanted to say.

I assured them that silence was a great part of prayer and much needed for us to hear God speak. This gave them the freedom to take their time, think, listen, and share with God from their hearts.

What a blessing our prayer time is now! It is more meaningful and heartfelt. I get to hear what they are truly thankful for. They share their fears, doubts, and insights as they express to God their heart. I get to agree with them in prayer and add things they are praying for to my prayer list.

Matthew 6 gives us some pointers on prayer. We have warnings, not to pray with vain (meaningless) repetitions, not to pray just to be heard by others, but to pray to our heavenly Father from our heart. We find the model prayer here and the command of forgiveness. It's a great chapter on trusting God in prayer, what things to pray for, instruction for fasting, and so much more.

Prayer is our communication with God and our very life depends on it. Neglecting prayer will cause permanent damage to our life just as neglecting the signs of neuropathy causes permanent damage.

Communication is so important and with communication comes silence, listening, caution with words, and care; just because a thought comes to our mind does not mean we have to say it. Holding our place in the conversation is not as important as saying the right words, even if we have to wait for another turn to say it.

The Zombie Apocalypse

Well, I'm almost to the end. I just finished treatment number 11 of 16, so I have 5 more to go. For the first time in many weeks, I did not have insomnia on chemo night. It must be due to the fact that I am now dealing with fatigue more than ever before.

Fatigue is defined as extreme tiredness or exhaustion. I'm not sure that really covers it all. It almost feels like a place of complete vegetation or zombie-like state. I struggle to do anything productive and mindlessly move about the house with all efforts to get back to my chair.

Since I feel like a zombie, it made me curious about the zombie apocalypse that has all the sci-fi drama and causes some of us to laugh at the thought of people believing it will come true.

So, I looked it up. A zombie apocalypse is a widespread rise of zombies hostile to human life engaging in a general assault on civilization. This sounds familiar. We have one group of people hostile against another group of people and they engage in verbal assaults and accusations that destroy peoples lives.

According to my research, a person becomes a zombie when they are infected by other zombies, which can be through physical contact or through the air. Okay, so, if we think of the airways as a means of infection and we think of the zombies as those who push the world views, then zombies are infecting us and our children every day.

Since this is a blog for Christian mentoring, I will say that this should concern us as believers. Could we be taking on some of the world views simply because we are watching too much news, celebrity talk shows, or television in general?

There is a popular tv show where a group of women discusses the latest news and highlights in front of a live audience. One day they were discussing a controversial judge ruling of a celebrity. When the women on the panel agreed with the ruling there was overwhelming praise from the audience. Then when the women disagreed with the ruling there was overwhelming praise from the audience. Was there anyone in the audience who would disagree with the thoughts of the women on the panel?

Do we somehow think that celebrities, politicians, professors, etc are the final authority of how we should think and believe? Our final authority is the Word of God; it is absolute truth in this age of claims that there are no absolute truths - something has to be absolute - a claim that there is "no absolute truth" is a claim of absolute in itself.

It can be difficult in the workplace, school, and in social settings to stand against the views that are against God's truth. People can almost make us feel guilty for not having "compassion for causes" that are against our Christian faith. But, our compassion is for their eternal soul not for their temporal cause.

I get concerned that my children will be zombie infected so I work hard at home to teach them the truth of God's word. Since my cancer diagnosis, I was unable to finish writing the school day devotions, but I never stopped teaching them His word. I can't teach them what I don't know so I have to spend time learning it as well.

I know how it feels to want to veg-out and not think. To turn on a mindless movie and escape the stress of the day. To play one of the many mindless games on our phone or tablet. To do nothing because your just too tired to do anything. But, when that becomes the constant outlet, is my mind more susceptible to becoming one of the undead zombies because it is easier to just let others think for me?

I could start letting the pastor and teachers tell me what God's word says rather than getting in and reading, studying, digging, praying, researching it for myself. I could actually become a zombie Christian, going through the motions of Christianity because that's what I have been told to do, say, think, and believe, but never really know it in my heart. Neglecting God's word will put me and my children at risk of becoming zombies; Christian or otherwise.

So, I laugh no more! We are already in a zombie apocalypse, just not in the way I have always thought of it.

A Lesson From Cancer

Having cancer has caused me to slow down and reevaluate my life. As I look back, I remember that this time last year I was Program Director for KWXC 88.9 FM, Producer of a local radio program, Host of another radio program, Editor of four weekly programs, Voice Over Actor for radio commercials, Creator of feature radio liners, Billing Clerk for sponsorship, Administrator for the FCC quarterly reports, Teacher of a ladies Sunday School class, Director of Women's Ministries for my church, Wife, and Mother.

I'm not listing all of that to brag or pat myself on the back. I list all of it because it is true and I'm baffled at how I was able to accomplish it all. Sadly, I will also say, that it is pretty much listed in the order of attention. My family became last on the list of daily agenda.

A dear friend pointed out to me yesterday that all of these things were not handed to me at one time, but one by one they were added to my plate. If the full plate had been handed to me all at once then I would have realized the magnitude of it all. Instead, I would gently move things around to make room for one more thing that needed to be done.

I have always heard that the order in which we should prioritize our Christians lives is God first, family second, and ministry last. I have to confess, I have struggled tremendously with this structure because my soul desire has been to be a vessel of the Lord out of my great love for Him.

I have desperately wanted to be used by Him however He chooses so, putting God first became every opportunity of service/ministry and the line between God first and ministry last became blurred; therefore in my eyes, doing service/ministry became putting God first, but in all reality, both God and my family were squeezed out.

Cancer has caused me to give up many of these titles and in the process gave me time to study His word for hours, time to listen for His voice in prayer, time to seek His face for wisdom, and time to grow in grace and knowledge. It's hard to say that cancer is a blessing; that doesn't even make common sense, but I am so thankful to have been given these lessons. I do wonder if I would have ever learned them apart from this cancer diagnosis.

If I can give anything to you, reader, let it be a warning to evaluate your service/ministry to the Lord. Please make sure you are not getting your priorities blurred. Has your service/ministry become putting God first in your eyes? Don't wait for a hardship to get things in order.

If my warning isn't enough, then let the words of Samuel to King Saul be a warning to us all. "And Samuel said, Has the Lord as great delight in burned offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has also rejected you from being king" 1 Samuel 15:22-23.

King Saul was in the service/ministry of the Lord, yet he was not in obedience to the Lord in that service/ministry. He listened to the demands of the people, his own pride, he followed the rules of burnt offerings and sacrifices, but ignored the voice of the Lord, rejected His word, and lost everything.

Behind the Mask

I don't know about ya'll but I like to control changes in my life; if I want a change then I will seek it out no matter the cost, but if I am content with the way things are then I will avoid change at all costs. I didn't seek out this change nor could I avoid it, but my life has definitely changed and it all started with a phone call from my doctor to say, "I'm sorry Sharon, it's cancer".

Sometimes change is inevitable and unavoidable. Maybe it's a knock on the door from the military or an urgent call from the hospital. It could be a job loss, financial troubles, eviction notice, or any number of other things that are beyond our control. I have said before that my life will never be the same so it might as well be better on the other side, so each day I seek the Lord for ways I can be better, and this week He surprised me.

Every Monday morning I have an appointment at 10am for a blood test to check if I will be able to have my treatment on Tuesday. Getting ready has gotten easier because I have pretty much mastered putting on my scarf. However, this time, I could not get it looped, tied, tucked, or twisted. I tried several times, several ways, and several scarves. I even cried a little before I completely ran out of time to try again; Janie was here and I had to go.

I had never been out in the community without a scarf on my head, but today I had no choice except to go bald. I grabbed a hoodie so that I would at least have a little covering. As you can see, I had my sunglasses on and a mask of course, but I didn't look at myself in the mirror before being dropped at the door of the hospital. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass doors as I entered. Wow, I thought, you look scary.

My friend Madeline works in registration and I really like her co-workers. We always have lively conversations and laughter which is very encouraging to me as I begin another dreaded week of treatment. They have a way of making me forget why I'm there. Madeline said, "Doesn't she look like a-a-a-a uh terrorist?" I thought she was going to say a sniper or military person, but she was right, I looked like a bald-headed terrorist! Once again it was great laughter, but it started with frustration and tears.

It made me wonder how many times I had fought to make something happen or refused to humble myself in transparency. Don't you think we often "put on" a mask that shows how we want others to see us? We try to hide under the scarf, behind the smile, or inside the latest styles so to speak? Why are we afraid of letting people see who we really are? We think if they see our weakness then they will reject us, but the Lord tells Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. Could it be that God is just waiting for us to put down the mask and be transparent in our weakness so that His power can be made perfect?

Paul goes on to say, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me". He gives us the power to live free of guilt, shame, embarrassment, insecurity, humiliation, discouragement, fear, anxiety, control, etc. Could this be why many of us Christians are living powerless lives? We just can't get over fears, anxieties, insecurities; we just can't stop giving into sin; we refuse to forgive; we can't let go of the past; we refuse to let Christ be our all in all.

Isn't it about time we stopped crawling on our hands and knees under the weight of the mask we put on? Shouldn't we let God's grace be sufficient in our weakness so that His power can rest on us? I don't want to hide my weaknesses, but be transparent about them so that His power is made perfect in it and so that He will be made strong in my life and get all the glory in my weakness.

A Humble Prayer

Well, I have made it to the halfway mark with my treatments; this was number 8 of 16. Dr. Miller did an exam and the tumor could not be detected. He said there could still be microscopic cancer cells actively trying to reproduce so we will continue with treatments for the duration of the original 16 treatment protocol even though there is not a visible tumor.

Oncology Nurse Becky

I am thankful for the research that has gone beyond the visible tumor to see the invisible areas that are hidden to the physical exam. It would be easy for me to jump at the chance to stop treatments right now and not have to have breast surgery at all and let this cancer journey come to an end. However, hidden beneath, my cancer would continue to grow and soon I would have to start this entire process all over again.

Treatment #8

Maybe this is what happens to me spiritually sometimes. I immediately take care of those sins that are obvious. Maybe I lose my temper or make an ugly comment about a situation or person. I ask for forgiveness from the person, from God, and do what I can to make it right. But even though I am honest in my repentance, I may find myself doing the exact same thing the next week or day and I go through the entire process again. 

Just as those cancer cells could be beneath the visible surface, there could be some sin below the visible surface of my heart which causes the obvious sins to keep rising up out of me. Could it be a hurt or wound that I haven't forgiven? Could I be disobedient in an area of my life? What could be hidden in my heart?

I'm reminded of David's words in the Psalms 19:12, he says, "Who can understand his errors? cleanse You me from secret faults." He also prays, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" Psalm 139:23-24. This is a humbling prayer because it is difficult to accept what God may reveal.

I trust my doctor and his team to take care of me physically; to kill my cancer and build me back to health, even when it's not what I want to hear or do. How much more can I trust my Heavenly Father to care for me spiritually, cleanse my heart, and lead me in the way everlasting?

I think I will humble myself, pray this prayer, and repent of what the Lord reveals because I trust Him with my life.