The Zombie Apocalypse

Well, I'm almost to the end. I just finished treatment number 11 of 16, so I have 5 more to go. For the first time in many weeks, I did not have insomnia on chemo night. It must be due to the fact that I am now dealing with fatigue more than ever before.

Fatigue is defined as extreme tiredness or exhaustion. I'm not sure that really covers it all. It almost feels like a place of complete vegetation or zombie-like state. I struggle to do anything productive and mindlessly move about the house with all efforts to get back to my chair.

Since I feel like a zombie, it made me curious about the zombie apocalypse that has all the sci-fi drama and causes some of us to laugh at the thought of people believing it will come true.

So, I looked it up. A zombie apocalypse is a widespread rise of zombies hostile to human life engaging in a general assault on civilization. This sounds familiar. We have one group of people hostile against another group of people and they engage in verbal assaults and accusations that destroy peoples lives.

According to my research, a person becomes a zombie when they are infected by other zombies, which can be through physical contact or through the air. Okay, so, if we think of the airways as a means of infection and we think of the zombies as those who push the world views, then zombies are infecting us and our children every day.

Since this is a blog for Christian mentoring, I will say that this should concern us as believers. Could we be taking on some of the world views simply because we are watching too much news, celebrity talk shows, or television in general?

There is a popular tv show where a group of women discusses the latest news and highlights in front of a live audience. One day they were discussing a controversial judge ruling of a celebrity. When the women on the panel agreed with the ruling there was overwhelming praise from the audience. Then when the women disagreed with the ruling there was overwhelming praise from the audience. Was there anyone in the audience who would disagree with the thoughts of the women on the panel?

Do we somehow think that celebrities, politicians, professors, etc are the final authority of how we should think and believe? Our final authority is the Word of God; it is absolute truth in this age of claims that there are no absolute truths - something has to be absolute - a claim that there is "no absolute truth" is a claim of absolute in itself.

It can be difficult in the workplace, school, and in social settings to stand against the views that are against God's truth. People can almost make us feel guilty for not having "compassion for causes" that are against our Christian faith. But, our compassion is for their eternal soul not for their temporal cause.

I get concerned that my children will be zombie infected so I work hard at home to teach them the truth of God's word. Since my cancer diagnosis, I was unable to finish writing the school day devotions, but I never stopped teaching them His word. I can't teach them what I don't know so I have to spend time learning it as well.

I know how it feels to want to veg-out and not think. To turn on a mindless movie and escape the stress of the day. To play one of the many mindless games on our phone or tablet. To do nothing because your just too tired to do anything. But, when that becomes the constant outlet, is my mind more susceptible to becoming one of the undead zombies because it is easier to just let others think for me?

I could start letting the pastor and teachers tell me what God's word says rather than getting in and reading, studying, digging, praying, researching it for myself. I could actually become a zombie Christian, going through the motions of Christianity because that's what I have been told to do, say, think, and believe, but never really know it in my heart. Neglecting God's word will put me and my children at risk of becoming zombies; Christian or otherwise.

So, I laugh no more! We are already in a zombie apocalypse, just not in the way I have always thought of it.

A Lesson From Cancer

Having cancer has caused me to slow down and reevaluate my life. As I look back, I remember that this time last year I was Program Director for KWXC 88.9 FM, Producer of a local radio program, Host of another radio program, Editor of four weekly programs, Voice Over Actor for radio commercials, Creator of feature radio liners, Billing Clerk for sponsorship, Administrator for the FCC quarterly reports, Teacher of a ladies Sunday School class, Director of Women's Ministries for my church, Wife, and Mother.

I'm not listing all of that to brag or pat myself on the back. I list all of it because it is true and I'm baffled at how I was able to accomplish it all. Sadly, I will also say, that it is pretty much listed in the order of attention. My family became last on the list of daily agenda.

A dear friend pointed out to me yesterday that all of these things were not handed to me at one time, but one by one they were added to my plate. If the full plate had been handed to me all at once then I would have realized the magnitude of it all. Instead, I would gently move things around to make room for one more thing that needed to be done.

I have always heard that the order in which we should prioritize our Christians lives is God first, family second, and ministry last. I have to confess, I have struggled tremendously with this structure because my soul desire has been to be a vessel of the Lord out of my great love for Him.

I have desperately wanted to be used by Him however He chooses so, putting God first became every opportunity of service/ministry and the line between God first and ministry last became blurred; therefore in my eyes, doing service/ministry became putting God first, but in all reality, both God and my family were squeezed out.

Cancer has caused me to give up many of these titles and in the process gave me time to study His word for hours, time to listen for His voice in prayer, time to seek His face for wisdom, and time to grow in grace and knowledge. It's hard to say that cancer is a blessing; that doesn't even make common sense, but I am so thankful to have been given these lessons. I do wonder if I would have ever learned them apart from this cancer diagnosis.

If I can give anything to you, reader, let it be a warning to evaluate your service/ministry to the Lord. Please make sure you are not getting your priorities blurred. Has your service/ministry become putting God first in your eyes? Don't wait for a hardship to get things in order.

If my warning isn't enough, then let the words of Samuel to King Saul be a warning to us all. "And Samuel said, Has the Lord as great delight in burned offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has also rejected you from being king" 1 Samuel 15:22-23.

King Saul was in the service/ministry of the Lord, yet he was not in obedience to the Lord in that service/ministry. He listened to the demands of the people, his own pride, he followed the rules of burnt offerings and sacrifices, but ignored the voice of the Lord, rejected His word, and lost everything.

Behind the Mask

I don't know about ya'll but I like to control changes in my life; if I want a change then I will seek it out no matter the cost, but if I am content with the way things are then I will avoid change at all costs. I didn't seek out this change nor could I avoid it, but my life has definitely changed and it all started with a phone call from my doctor to say, "I'm sorry Sharon, it's cancer".

Sometimes change is inevitable and unavoidable. Maybe it's a knock on the door from the military or an urgent call from the hospital. It could be a job loss, financial troubles, eviction notice, or any number of other things that are beyond our control. I have said before that my life will never be the same so it might as well be better on the other side, so each day I seek the Lord for ways I can be better, and this week He surprised me.

Every Monday morning I have an appointment at 10am for a blood test to check if I will be able to have my treatment on Tuesday. Getting ready has gotten easier because I have pretty much mastered putting on my scarf. However, this time, I could not get it looped, tied, tucked, or twisted. I tried several times, several ways, and several scarves. I even cried a little before I completely ran out of time to try again; Janie was here and I had to go.

I had never been out in the community without a scarf on my head, but today I had no choice except to go bald. I grabbed a hoodie so that I would at least have a little covering. As you can see, I had my sunglasses on and a mask of course, but I didn't look at myself in the mirror before being dropped at the door of the hospital. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass doors as I entered. Wow, I thought, you look scary.

My friend Madeline works in registration and I really like her co-workers. We always have lively conversations and laughter which is very encouraging to me as I begin another dreaded week of treatment. They have a way of making me forget why I'm there. Madeline said, "Doesn't she look like a-a-a-a uh terrorist?" I thought she was going to say a sniper or military person, but she was right, I looked like a bald-headed terrorist! Once again it was great laughter, but it started with frustration and tears.

It made me wonder how many times I had fought to make something happen or refused to humble myself in transparency. Don't you think we often "put on" a mask that shows how we want others to see us? We try to hide under the scarf, behind the smile, or inside the latest styles so to speak? Why are we afraid of letting people see who we really are? We think if they see our weakness then they will reject us, but the Lord tells Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. Could it be that God is just waiting for us to put down the mask and be transparent in our weakness so that His power can be made perfect?

Paul goes on to say, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me". He gives us the power to live free of guilt, shame, embarrassment, insecurity, humiliation, discouragement, fear, anxiety, control, etc. Could this be why many of us Christians are living powerless lives? We just can't get over fears, anxieties, insecurities; we just can't stop giving into sin; we refuse to forgive; we can't let go of the past; we refuse to let Christ be our all in all.

Isn't it about time we stopped crawling on our hands and knees under the weight of the mask we put on? Shouldn't we let God's grace be sufficient in our weakness so that His power can rest on us? I don't want to hide my weaknesses, but be transparent about them so that His power is made perfect in it and so that He will be made strong in my life and get all the glory in my weakness.

A Humble Prayer

Well, I have made it to the halfway mark with my treatments; this was number 8 of 16. Dr. Miller did an exam and the tumor could not be detected. He said there could still be microscopic cancer cells actively trying to reproduce so we will continue with treatments for the duration of the original 16 treatment protocol even though there is not a visible tumor.

Oncology Nurse Becky

I am thankful for the research that has gone beyond the visible tumor to see the invisible areas that are hidden to the physical exam. It would be easy for me to jump at the chance to stop treatments right now and not have to have breast surgery at all and let this cancer journey come to an end. However, hidden beneath, my cancer would continue to grow and soon I would have to start this entire process all over again.

Treatment #8

Maybe this is what happens to me spiritually sometimes. I immediately take care of those sins that are obvious. Maybe I lose my temper or make an ugly comment about a situation or person. I ask for forgiveness from the person, from God, and do what I can to make it right. But even though I am honest in my repentance, I may find myself doing the exact same thing the next week or day and I go through the entire process again. 

Just as those cancer cells could be beneath the visible surface, there could be some sin below the visible surface of my heart which causes the obvious sins to keep rising up out of me. Could it be a hurt or wound that I haven't forgiven? Could I be disobedient in an area of my life? What could be hidden in my heart?

I'm reminded of David's words in the Psalms 19:12, he says, "Who can understand his errors? cleanse You me from secret faults." He also prays, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" Psalm 139:23-24. This is a humbling prayer because it is difficult to accept what God may reveal.

I trust my doctor and his team to take care of me physically; to kill my cancer and build me back to health, even when it's not what I want to hear or do. How much more can I trust my Heavenly Father to care for me spiritually, cleanse my heart, and lead me in the way everlasting?

I think I will humble myself, pray this prayer, and repent of what the Lord reveals because I trust Him with my life.

Facing My Own Mortality

My dad and I a few years ago

My dad says that the older you get the more you realize your own mortality. You know that your days are number and you try to prepare for what will inevitably come. However, we don't know when we are going to die. God never promised each of us would live into our old age. When we are young, we plan for our future, dying never really crosses our mind. We feel invincible with our whole life ahead of us.

Treatment #6

However, getting old is not the only time we come face to face with our own mortality. I am certainly no "spring chicken" but I still want to plan my future and seek what things may be just beyond my fingertips, to see around the bend of the next phase in my life. 

Having cancer doesn't always mean a death sentence. There have been many advances in medicine to fight all kinds of cancer with great success and many, many, many lives have been saved. 

Rachel's Dance

 I am fighting to be one of those success stories but if you have ever faced your own mortality; whether by age or by health issues, there is a place down deep that is preparing for the "what if". What if this is my last Resurrection Sunday with my family? What if this is the last concert I get to watch my son perform? What if this is the last dance I get to help my daughter dress for? What if this is the last anniversary with my husband?

Noah's Concert

Now, please don't get me wrong, I am not going into depression or giving up, but the lesson I am taking away from these "what if's" is that every moment should count whether cancer takes my life or I am a success story to live many more years. Every picture is valuable, every holiday special, every event isolated, and with that, every person unique and every relationship distinctive. How often I have taken life for granted; my husband, kids, friends, gifts, talents, jobs, and God.    

With all that said, since starting chemo I have given up driving because I don't think quickly or clearly enough to make driving decisions. I spend most of my days at home; resting and caring for myself. 

So, I can fill my day with anything that I feel like. I have been advised that I can eat anything I feel like eating. I can do anything I feel like doing. I can go anywhere I feel like going. I sleep when I feel like sleeping and work when I feel like working. It's all about listening to my body and giving it what it "feels" like. With this kind of protocol, I can fill my day with complete nothingness if I feel like it. 

So, the other morning, I scolded my daughter for piddling around instead of getting ready for school. "I don't know if you are getting lost in daydreams, messing on the phone, or going back to sleep but you have to stop piddling around and get ready," I said sternly. 

Five minutes after she made her way out the door I was comfortably positioned in what I call my Shepherd's Field where I spend time with God in prayer and scriptures. I heard God say to me, "You are getting lost in daydreams." 

It is always so astounding to me when God uses situations as a parable to teach me about myself. As I reflected I could see the times that my daydreams led me to my phone for conversation or information and fell asleep to God's voice. 

Every moment counts and I don't want to waste another one lost and asleep to this wonderful life God has given me and I don't want to miss out on another word God has to say to me. 

I am assured of God's mercy, faithfulness, and compassion in the scriptures. "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good to them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him" Lamentations 3:20-25.    

Revolutionary Changes

I started on the new drug, "Taxol" this week; the first of 12 weeks. I'm not sure how it will affect me in comparison to the last 4 treatments of adriamycin and cyclophosphamide. I have been told that this new drug will not be as hard on me as the others were which is why we are able to move to weekly treatments instead of every 2 weeks. One of the new pre-meds with this drug is Benadryl, which gave me great sleep right after chemo. However, I still get a steroid that gives me insomnia. I hoped for a little counteraction with them but here I am wide awake in the middle of the night.

I want to give an update on how things went last week with the new strategies. I began taking high-quality enzymes on Monday of last week, the next day I got a Vitamin B shot. I have to be honest, if I had known how painful that shot was going to be I may have wimped out, but I am thankful I didn't (sorry if I ruined it for you). I started feeling better by Wednesday, then by Friday the enzymes were doing their job and I was able to feel true relief from the sluggish stomach and gut pain. 

Toni Hebel and Sharon Hoskins

For the first time since treatment began, I felt like getting outside and piddling in the garden on Saturday. And for the first time in weeks, I felt like going to church on Sunday. It was perfect timing because Dr. Bruce and Toni Hebel were back in town to host a 3-day conference "Forgiving Forward" and I actually felt good enough to attend all three nights this week. 

When I attended this conference three years ago it dramatically changed my life. I shared some of it with you in 2016: Hindsight is 20/20. Toni coached me through the seven protocols of forgiveness that they teach at the conference. I forgave wounds from my childhood and wounds from recent events. I also found that forgiving the wounds I had inflicted on myself became important as well. 

When I completed all the protocols for each wound, it felt like a balloon had been blown up into my chest cavity. I could breathe in more air; fresh clean air with no restrictions. My heart could beat freely and I became a new person with new thoughts and a renewed peace.

Toni suggested putting a balloon somewhere in my home to remind me to never allow the sin of unforgiveness into my life again. So, a balloon has remained by my bed in the place that I prayed until this day.

When I attended this week, I was reminded of the importance of checking my heart frequently. It is easy to revert back to old ways of thinking when dealing with situations and find ourselves wounded once more. The balloon had become a common household item that didn't grab my attention so I will be getting a new balloon and find a better place to display it.

My friend Janie always says that we should keep short accounts and daily ask God to cleanse us of our hidden sins (Psalm 19:12). God is always faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness if we will confess them (1 John 1:9). Unforgiveness is a sin and I know the difference forgiving can make in my life. I ask for it from God so I should be willing to give it to others. Therefore, I choose to forgive and continue to use the protocols when I am wounded.

I am thankful for these protocols, the teachings, and encouragement that Dr. Bruce and Toni share. I am very thankful for the difference it has all made in my life. If you would like to know about how forgiveness can change your life go to forgivingforward.com to learn more. 

Join the forgiveness revolution!!!   

My New Strategies

When I was a kid there were three staples for when we were sick; 7UP, chicken noodle soup, and crackers. Now, I don’t believe there is anything “healing” about any one of these items, but there was something comforting about having it delivered to my bed on a tray during those sick days. It also seemed to be soothing to the stomach that didn’t want to be bothered with anything.

I started chemo on Feb. 12, 2019, and that first treatment made me sick to my stomach. My first reaction was to deal with that pain with the comfort of the old standby; 7UP, chicken noodle soup, and crackers but it didn’t work. So, I decided to leave my stomach alone and let it “run its course” because that’s what we did when I was a kid; let the flu, virus, or cold “run its course”.

After my second treatment, I figured out that this is not something that is going to “run its course” on its own. I don’t have the flu; I am getting a chemical that is killing healthy cells along with the cancerous ones and it is being injected into my body over and over again. It was time to rethink my strategy. I needed a plan that would work at increasing my health and give my body what it needed to stay strong.

I want to share some of the new strategies that I am trying. Now, I am not a doctor nor am I claiming that these things will work for you if you are going through chemo. I simply want to share my experiences and the effects that these new strategies have had on me in case you would like to try any of them for yourself or even share with a loved one.

My new strategy for my stomach:
I am keeping a close eye on my PH levels. I have found that keeping it balanced between 7.3 and 7.4 helps my stomach stay calm. If it is too acidic I use 1/3 teaspoon of baking soda in 8 to 14 oz of water. I have also gotten some Alka Seltzer Gold to help with any acid indigestion. To check my PH, I use test strips which can be found in the diabetic section of your local store.

I am finding it helpful to try to eat more alkaline foods. However, food is a very touchy subject because it's difficult to find something that sounds good or tastes good. I have gotten to the point that I hate to eat but eating is important even if it doesn't taste good. This chart made it easy for me to make some better choices in food selection and to eat for my health, not for my taste buds which no longer work (a side effect of chemo).

Now, if you notice on the chart, many of the foods are ones that may be hard to digest so I have incorporated enzyme capsules to help my digestion. As I understand it, chemo is killing many cells in my body; both healthy and cancerous. These dead cells accumulate somewhere inside if they are not processed through the digestive system and excreted. Enzymes help with that very important process whether I am eating the foods on the chart or having food from a drive-thru window. So, I am trying 2 capsules with every meal and 1 capsule with every snack.

Water, of course, this is always important for all of us, but I found it to be one of the most important things that I could do. Just like food, it is very difficult sometimes to drink, but it helps when it comes time for the weekly blood draws. One week I was so dehydrated that the lab couldn't find a good vein and blood had to be pulled from my port. Besides, it helps flush the dead cells out of my body. I have also been taking minerals each day and it seems to be helping most of the time. I personally use mineral waters.

This all sounds very logical, but when I'm sick logic doesn't always win. There have been days that I have curled up in a ball and gone without any of these things because I just couldn't muster the courage to get up. Fortunately, I have friends and family that will push me out of my ball and give me what I need. I found that I am not a very good nurse to myself, especially when I am in pain.

My new strategy for treatment days:
Before my treatments, I rub a lavender blend of essential oils on my tummy to keep it from tightening up. Since getting sick the first day of treatment, my nerves have a tendency to tighten up and the lavender keeps it calm so that I don’t get a knot in my gut that lasts for days. I also use this during the week if I find my stomach getting tense. 

Getting a foot massage during treatment has also been a huge help in keeping me relaxed. I have been fortunate enough to have a friend who is willing to do that for me each time but if you don’t have someone it may be something that you could try to do yourself. Working the tight areas you find on your feet will give you some relief and relax your whole body. If you can’t reach your feet then perhaps an automated or manual foot massager could be an option.

My new strategy for side effects:

There is a list of side effects that are different for each individual and treatment. One of the side effects that I have and found to be very painful has been mouth sores. When I brushed my teeth with my regular soft bristle toothbrush it felt like I was using a wire brush in my mouth. So I bought a special soft toothbrush for cancer and chemo patients and switched to sensitive toothpaste. 

I also invested in a water flosser which I used every morning, evening, and after every meal whenever possible. This made my mouth sores go away so I stopped using the water flosser so faithfully; "Yay it worked!" so I quit but my sores returned. Now I am back to using it as regularly as I can and my mouth sores are gone. 

Now, I still have bad days along with good ones, but these are just a few of the new strategies to help me fight the bad ones and give me more of the good ones and I give praise to my Heavenly Father for every day that I have; both good and bad. I will keep you posted on any new strategies that I come across along the way. And if you have any advice for me please use the comment section to share them. I would very much appreciate learning your strategies as well.