Just Cosmetics

Going shopping is described by many people as fun and exciting, but others find it to be a stressful, dreaded excursion. I think it all depends on the shopping purpose. My husband and I have had the same living room furniture since before our wedding day over 25 years ago. We love the style and comfort but it is starting to show a little wear. So, shopping for new furniture could be fun and exciting, shopping for toilet paper; not so much. But getting “new” doesn’t always mean better. I’m kind of fond of the old things; they are durable, beautiful, and dependable. 

As you know, one of the side effects of my treatment is hair loss. I’ve been told it will probably grow back different; color, texture, curly, etc. I don’t know what “new” hair I will get. 

My fingernails will also be affected by treatments. They have always grown out so perfectly strong and looking like a French manicure. They are beginning to turn dark at the root. I don’t know what process they will go through or what the “new” will look like in the end.

I find myself dreading these kinds of unknowns. When we go shopping we don’t know what we will find, but we do have some choices on the outcome. But when we have no control over the results then the unknowns can be scary. In the overall grand scheme of things who cares what my hair or nails look like, I will have my life which is much greater than the cosmetics of it.

In that same respect, our life here on this earth is just a moment of time; the cosmetic, if you will, of the grander eternity. "For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower thereof falls away" 1 Peter 1:24. 

Yet, many times we are wrapped up in the cosmetics of this moment of life and forget the bigger picture of our eternal. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" John 3:16. 

Could it be because we see the eternal as an unknown that we have no control over? Could it be that people refuse Jesus Christ as Savior because of the fear of unknown or of giving up control of this moment of life? What will it cost me? What will it change? What will people say? I asked these very questions once, but after almost 20 years I can honestly say, there is nothing to fear. 

"But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life" Titus 3:4-7.  

Is It Chemo Brain?

I have been told by loving members of my family that I march to the beat of my own drum. It is also well known, by all those who know me, that when it comes to the joke department I often need it explained in picture form or I may get it hours later and laugh alone. So, ever since I started chemo, I have jokingly used "chemo brain" as my excuse for my crazy antics, forgetfulness, and punch-line silence.

However, this week during my third chemo treatment, I can't decide if this funny story was really due to chemo brain or not; so I thought I would share the story and let you decide.

If you read my last post, Fighting the Battle, you know about my quest to learn a different battle plan for this fight. I collaborated with my friend and radio co-host, Janie Ratzlaff, because she has fought in these kinds of battles herself; she is a General with battle experience. We decided to try a few new things during this third treatment to see if they would work for how my body was reacting to the chemo; one of those things being reflexology.

We were sitting in the Oncology waiting room when my IV beeped, but before going to get unhooked I needed to go to the restroom. Janie was gathering our things. The restroom in the waiting room had a nice big door with a metal frame and it was only a few steps way, but when I got to the door the wheels of my IV pole would not go further than the door frame. I tried again; I looked up to see if it was hooking on the top. I tried three more times only to be perplexed by the wheels being pulled toward the door frame but not allowing me to go into the restroom.

"Janie!" I yelled in desperation, "There is some sort of magnetic force field that is preventing me from going inside the restroom! Watch!" I exclaimed and demonstrated. Janie came up behind me and stepped ever so slightly to the side and unplugged my IV pump from the wall. We both burst out laughing. A practical explanation never crossed my mind. My IV pump still plugged in? No, a magnetic force field had to be the answer...lol. As if I had been transported to some other dimension or suddenly aboard The Starship Enterprise!

When I got to the chemo room I told the story to Becky, my nurse and the other patients in the room. After we all took a minute to laugh, Becky said, "Sharon, did you get the information on chemo brain? It's a real thing!"

Yes, I believe it is a real thing, but given my history, I'm not sure that I can really classify this as an excuse for me. Janie said, "The funniest part is that you were so serious." But, then she sweetly said, "It was kind of a electromagnetic force; it was electricity."

Well, whether it is chemo brain or my own natural drum beating, we left chemo number three laughing down the elevator, through the hospital, and all the way home. The Bible says, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones" Proverbs 17:22. I can say that the second treatment left me with a broken spirit, sitting in my old trench, focused on my pain.

The things we tried different with my third treatment worked for my pain level and the laughter was an added bonus. God uses all kinds of things to teach us lessons and bless our lives. I'm thankful for Janie's wisdom and her sacrifice to physically get in the battle and fight with me on this day. Now, I have minimal pain with a merry heart.

So, what do you think ~ is it chemo brain?

Fighting the Battle

I have heard people talk about fighting cancer and although I know that is the root of my fight, I can't help but find myself fighting the battle of chemo everyday. It is a fight for my life, for the routines and activities with my kids and husband; the things that make up a normal daily life for me.

Just like every other human in the world, I have had my fair share of hard times; struggles, situations, and circumstances that left me with some residue that a battle had taken place. Scars of broken relationships, wounds of hurtful words, devastation of lost loved ones are all part of what we live with each day after battles in our lives. But, we learn how to "roll with the punches", "make lemonade", and/or "let go and let God."

This last chemo treatment was pretty difficult and it was only my second one. So, with 14 more to go I had to consider what I needed to change in how I was fighting. I evaluated my battle plan; my strategy and I discovered that I dug a trench at an early age and I have used the same one for every battle that has come along in my life.

However, in the midst of this battle, my old trench wasn't working. The tools were no longer useful and my old armor was not sufficient. I had to dig a new trench, fill it with different tools, and change out the armor because none of my old tactics would get me through this battle.

It is so easy to get stuck in routines of life; doing what "feels" right and sticking with what has worked in the past are some of the battle strategies I have used. But really, relying on feelings to determine the next step has failed me in this battle considering that I don't feel good most of the time.

We have a tendency to think how we feel so my thinking has not been good these past couple of weeks. I have to train my brain to think differently; to put my thinking over my feelings so that how I feel will not determine how I think. This takes discipline of the mind that I have not mastered yet, but am in the process of making it a reality in my life.

Several times in scripture we are commanded to renew our mind (Romans 12:1-2 and Ephesians 4:23) and to set our minds on things above (Colossians 3:2). We are encouraged, "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" 2 Corinthians10:4-5. So we have a choice in how we think and what we think; in the things we allow to become strong holds in our life.

I will admit that this is the most difficult battle I have ever faced in my life. My new trench is dug and the scriptures are my only tools, and I have put on the armor of God. For His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). For His word is sufficient for teaching me, reproving me, correcting me, and instructing me in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16).

My life will never be the same so it might as well be changed for the better as I go through the fire. Therefore I choose to let the fire refine me. "For You, O God, have tested us: You have tried us, as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction upon our loins. You have caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but You brought us out into an abundant place" Psalm 66:10-12.

Bald is Brave

I've heard it said that bald is beautiful ~ since this is my first time ever seeing myself bald, I will have to say that for me ~ bald is brave. When the word brave is used as an adjective, courageous is a synonym and when it is used as a verb, the definition states, "endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear." 

Needless to say, my hair began falling out in clumps this week and it was time to brave the inevitable loss of my hair. My children were struggling a bit with the idea of seeing their mama bald, especially my 9 year old, Noah. I thought it might be good if I let them participate in "helping me" shave my head. At first they weren't sure, but after Terry made the first pass with the clippers, Noah was all about it! Rachel took the longest; my hair was almost all gone before she made the decision to participate. It turned out to be a wonderful family event.

I have always loved for my hair to be played with and for the past few years Noah has been faithful to do that for me and most times without even asking him. Now, he is making special trips to see me. He rubs my head, asks me if I need anything, and sweetly gives me a kiss. He says he misses my hair but thinks the stubble's I have left feels neat (and it feels really good to me). I love that he is not struggling anymore with my bald head and he makes me feel special on every trip he makes to my side.

Rachel has found her own way to bond with me. First she wanted to shave part of her hair, then she wanted to cut her long locks off really short, but I asked her to please keep her hair. So, she found a piece of cloth in her sewing box and wrapped it around her head like a scarf. She wanted to wear it everywhere. She wore it to school on Tuesday, but was told that she had to take it off because it is against school policy to wear a hat. She didn't even get through first hour. It broke her heart but not her spirit. She is going to try again everyday with a different material and ask for approval from the office until she finds one she can wear.

We are all being brave through these unpleasant conditions; each of us facing different things that we are learning to overcome and endure. I think about how this adversity (cancer and chemo) is not only changing my life in ways I could have never imagined, but it is also strengthening the faith of my children and teaching them what it really means to be an overcomer. My husband is always a rock for me because he allows God to be his foundation; which is being strengthened with every passing day.

Whatever adversity you may be facing today I would like to encourage you to be brave. Find your courage in Jesus Christ ~ He will change your life for the better no matter how difficult the situation.

"...We are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. And every priest standeth daily ministering and offering oftentimes the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins: But this Man, after He had offered one sacrifice for sins for ever, sat down on the right hand of God; from henceforth expecting till His enemies be made his footstool. For by one offering He hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified. Whereof the Holy Ghost also is a witness to us: for after that He had said before, 'This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days,' saith the Lord, 'I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them; and their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.' Now where remission of these is, there is no more offering for sin. Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, by an new and living way, which He hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, His flesh; and having a High Priest over the house of God; let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for He is faithful that promised..." Hebrews 10:10-23.

Acts of Kindness

I have had so many wonderful acts of kindness shared with me this week that I can only praise God for moving in the hearts of people. I have been on the receiving end of Romans 12:10, "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another." My heart is so full my eyes leak with the overflow.

First, my sweet dear friend Khirsti invited my children to the theater performance of "Beauty and the Beast" with her family and I thought I was going to burst. She opened her arms and gathered my children up in them just like Jesus did with the children in Matthew 19:14. There are no words to express how it feels to have someone think of your children while you are going through treatment for cancer.   

Second, I have been assured that I will be losing my hair with the kind of chemotherapy treatment I am receiving. My friend Deb offered to help me with scarves and wigs; she even brought some bangs to put under my scarf so that it will look like I have hair. I've never worn a wig before, I'm not sure I want to, but she showed me how to put it on and how to tie up the scarves. Now, when I do lose my hair, I will be confident in taking care of my head.  

Third, some of my family and friends chipped in to help me get a new recliner because I had a tough time getting comfortable while dealing with the side effects of chemo. My bones ached, my back hurt, and my skin throbbed from laying in bed. I tried moving to the couch but it wasn't any better. I couldn't help but feel blessed and I know that word is probably overused but I truly do feel blessed to have this need met. 

Many other acts of kindness included; food delivered to my door prepared and ready to eat. A phone call saying that my children would be picked up from school so I didn't have to get out. A gift brought by which contained a bag with all I would need at the hospital during treatments. The countless encouraging texts, calls, cards, and visits. The prayers I feel being said every day on my behalf. 

Romans 12 is the chapter about the body of Christ; our responsibilities to God and to each other. I have experienced the movement of the body of Christ this week. "Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer; distributing to the needs of saints; given to hospitality" 12:12-13. "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Be of the same mind one toward another" 12:15-16. 

Kindness is deeper than the act of it; it can nourish the soul. 

Facing the Fear of Chemo

Facing the fear of Chemo has been a difficult journey that has taken me through many emotions. I will not claim that I have overcome my fear in the least, but I am moving forward each day in spite of my fear. 

My first treatment was scheduled for last Tuesday. It was a difficult morning waiting for my appointment time. I was so nervous I couldn't eat breakfast. My friend Janie took me to the hospital and walked me to my room. Because of the small quarters, there was no room for Janie to stay beside me. As she walked out, I was left in a room full of strangers to face the biggest fear in my journey...chemo.

Funny how there seems to be some sort of strength that comes with having a friend by your side; you know, that person who understands how you feel and knows what you're thinking. I am blessed to have many friends and family that meet this description in my life, but not one of them could be there at that moment.

Part of facing my fear of chemo has been learning to hold fast to my faith and trusting the Lord more than ever before. I had no one around me to lean on but the Lord and nothing to hold on to but my faith. I began quoting the Psalms that have given me strength over the past weeks. Lord, You are my Shepherd and although I may be walking through this valley, You are with me Ps. 23. Lord, You are my Light and my Salvation of whom shall I be afraid? Ps 27. Lord, You have created me and made me, You know my heart and the emotions I feel because You know my inward parts, I trust You with my life. Ps. 139. 

As treatment started I thought it would be a good idea to do some work, so I pulled out my computer. It took my mind off the process and allowed me to concentrate on new tasks for my future. However, while receiving the second round of medicine, my body reacted and I became sick. My nurse, who is absolutely fantastic, turned off my medicine for almost an hour so that I could somewhat recover. She lowered the rate of injection and finished out my first round of chemo much later than expected.

I have been sick all week but each day feeling a bit better than the day before. With the help of my husband, I'm learning how to eat and what my body needs to stay strong during chemo. God is teaching me how to put on His Armor and stand in the midst of adversity. I am thankful that God has not removed the pain and suffering of this illness from me, because through the pain and suffering, I am learning things from Him that will be with me on the other side of this trial.

Whatever trial you may be going through, I pray that you will find the life lessons that will be with you on the other side; those things that will benefit you beyond your adversity. 

Gleaning From Cancer

It's been almost a month since I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Triple Negative Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer. The doctor said that I would have 3 to 6 months of chemo before surgery would be discussed. There is no other option but chemo. When I found out I had cancer, I cried; when I found out chemo was my cure, I sobbed.

https://aroundwellington.com/the-making-
strides-against-breast-cancer-walk/

I had many women doing their best to encourage me that chemo was going to be fine...that I would do great...and that I had nothing to fear. I was told many stories of other survivors and miracles that happened along the way. However, it didn't change anything for me.

I have been diligently seeking a cure that did not involve chemotherapy. The first thing I did was change my diet to predominantly plant-based foods. I found supplements that would help boost my immune system. I researched alternative medicines that had a proven track record for killing cancer.

I went to a naturopathic doctor last week to look at by body on a cellular level. The technology was amazing! According to the test, the cancer in my body is fungal based and there are supplements that can kill the fungus. The doctor thought I should see results in 4 to 6 weeks by taking these supplements.

I applied for a clinical drug study for women with Triple Negative Breast Cancer but had to wait for my gene test results before I could be approved. If this drug works it would give a future option for women with this type of cancer. Still waiting for my results to come through. I even sent my medical records to an Oncologist in another country hoping for a different protocol; one that didn't include chemo, but he reported back that I needed chemo immediately.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Janie asked me if I was willing to do whatever was needed, even if it was chemo. It was a hard question that I had to take to the Lord. I had to admit that I was afraid of my cure and stop running, so I decided to trust God with my cure as well as my disease. I chose not to wait the 4 to 6 weeks for the supplemental results and move forward with chemotherapy.

I have had all my tests; breast MRI, CT scan, bone scan, and echo cardiogram. The port has been put in place and chemotherapy starts next week. I will have a two-drug (Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide) combination drip for the next 8 weeks. Then the drug will change to Paclitaxel for 12 weeks. Total treatment of 5 months.

Gleaning life lessons from cancer has taught me to look beyond my physical adversity to find the Spiritual strength that will be with me on the other side. My prayers are more intimate; they are less about me and more about Him. The Psalms have been a great encouragement for me because it is there I find that The Lord is my light and my salvation; of whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" 27:1.

I didn't realize that I was running scared or that I had let fear dominate my decisions. Now that chemo is only a few days away I can face it in faith; trusting the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:4-5).