Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! I love this time of year. The temperature changes, the leaves turn beautiful colors, and the feeling of change fills the air. Usually, these things happen in October around here, but this year the seasons have been off just a little, so Fall was short and taken over quickly by freezing temperatures.

I think the feeling of change in the air is what I love most about Fall. There is an excitement of something new coming and I look with anticipation over the horizon to what it might be.

This time last year, I had no idea the change that would be coming for me in 2019, although it was a difficult year, I am so thankful for it all.

The month of November tends to bring out the grateful side of us. This is a great time to look back over the year and remember the good, find the positives, and express thanksgiving. Oddly enough, for me, the good and positive came through the diagnosis, treatment, and pain of cancer.

I am grateful for God's gentle hand in the midst of the most difficult year of my life. I am thankful for my family and friends, and there are no words to describe how much I appreciate each day I live.

🎵 I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart I will enter His courts with praise. I will say this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice for He has made me glad. 🎵

A New Journey

I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Triple Negative Ductal Carcinoma in my right breast on January 11th, started chemotherapy on February 12th, had surgery on July 15th, and radiation began on August 29th. As of October 29th, I have completed my last treatment for cancer. Every treatment has come with several side effects that caused pain and fatigue. Weeks of treatment followed by weeks of recovery. It has been a very long year of fighting and by God's grace, I have won the battle.

From the beginning, I knew that my life would never be the same, so I wanted to be changed for the better on the other side of this journey. As I take the time to look back, I can see change, growth, and insights into parts of myself that I had never known before.

I have a new appreciation for my family and friends. They supported me in prayer, encouragement, sacrifice, acts of kindness, and love. They took the time to send cards, texts, and food. They made trips to visit me, researched ways to help me, and gave gifts of love. I am blessed beyond measure.

Some of the unknowns, in the beginning, were a bit scary. I didn't know what my hair would look like when it grew back but I am pleased that it has given me a slight resemblance to my daddy.

I have always considered myself "daddy's little girl" and today, at 50 years old, married, with children; I am still his little girl in my heart. I have always been impressed by his physical strength, but it is his strong love for God that I admire the most. 

I suppose all "daddy's girls" have a special daddy-shaped-place in their hearts that no one else can fill. Daddy is always the one we hope will be the proudest of us. We look for his character qualities in the man we want to marry, which I am happy to say that I found.

I am definitely a daddy's girl, but for a while, I looked like my brother. My mom said that when we were born we were like twins 5 years apart. We both weighed 8lbs 13oz, 21in long, and looked exactly alike. Now, 45 years later...poof...twinkies again!

This has been an amazing journey that has come to an end, but oddly enough, I find myself on a new road. What will life be like when the recovery is over. I will no longer be sick, in treatment, fatigued, in pain, or being lifted in prayer. 

I have been through the Refiner's fire. When I rise up from the ashes and shake off the soot, who will emerge?

I am looking forward to walking this new road, exploring the new sights, and experiencing a new life on this journey to the other side of cancer. 

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for me and walked with me through this year. I am so grateful for you and blessed to have you in my life. I love you all.  

Character Counts

Radiation treatments have become quite painful. The radiation burn on my skin has caused open wounds and much discomfort. The striking pain through my breast is almost constant. It causes a great deal of distraction - from my thinking process to staying on task. I often find things half-done around the house and have trouble finding words to complete my thoughts.

I have completed 27 treatments on a large area from the center of my chest to under my right arm. I have 2 more treatments that cover this large area, then 7 treatments that will focus on the tumor area only. It is nice to be almost done, but exhausting at the same time. There are so many things that I want to do but I have become so tired and the pain adds to that.

I wanted to go to Rachel's band competition today in Bixby but I am unable to make it. I am so proud of the entire Grove High School Band. They won second place last week in Oolagah. They have a grueling schedule: workout and rehearsal every morning at 7am, Tuesday evening, and Friday afternoon; followed by Friday night football game where they might not get home until after midnight, then they are back early Saturday mornings for all-day competitions. Not to mention the fact that they began all-day rehearsals three weeks before school started.

These young men and women are devoted, determined, and disciplined. They listen to instruction from their directors and show them respect. They know the rules and follow them. They work hard and do their very best even when they are exhausted, even when people get up and leave for concessions during their show, even when it seems no one is listening. They are true to themselves and sacrifice for the whole of the team.

I don't know most of them, but their character is seen at every ball game, homecoming coronation, parade, bonfire, competition, concert, rehearsal, and individual encounter. They are an inspiration to the rest of us (or at least they are to me).

Even if people don't know me, do they see my devotion, determination, and discipline to God? Do they see the character of Christ in me? Does my life display that I follow God's instruction and respect Him? These are scary questions to ask but also scary not to know because the character I display counts for eternity.

So, next time you are at a game don't think of the band as the background music to your conversation. Take the time to give them a big cheer, ask the announcers to turn off the speaker music when they are playing, postpone your snack run to watch them perform, and let them know you appreciate their hard work because they deserve our respect and our character counts too.

Prone to Wander

This week is the fourth of eight weeks of radiation treatments. It has been a long journey but with only five more weeks to go, I can say that there is a light at the end of this cancer tunnel after all. It is brighter today than it was on January 11th when I received my diagnosis.

It's been a long year, and through it all, God has taught me a great deal. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned, and the ones He is continuing to teach me. I can say that it was much easier to hear Him when the responsibilities of life were not constantly ringing in my ear.

While I was taking chemo there was a great deal of illness and fatigue that came with the treatments. I willingly let go of most of the household responsibilities and daily errands. I spent my days resting and caring for myself; all of me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was constantly seeking the Lord and listening for His voice.

There were weeks I could hardly wait to tell you all what God had taught me. I knew that cancer was going to change my life and I wanted to be better on the other side of this trial than when I began it. The more time I spent with Him the hungrier I was to learn and grow.

But then, as I started feeling better and able to do more, there was so much that screamed for my attention. The little things that piled up while I was down, running my kids to and from school, and extracurricular activities, then soon the everyday chores around the house.

My time with Him became less and I can totally relate to the old hymn: "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Take my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."

Why I ask, am I so prone to wander from the God that I so dearly love? Do I wander from my husband? Do I wander from my kids? If I evaluate my life honestly, I can say, yes I wander from them as well. Doing for those I love can take me from those I love. Busyness has robbed me of my time with all of those that I love.

Time is a valuable commodity and spending it wisely with those I love is a lesson God has continued to remind me of over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get it! Maybe it just becomes a matter of getting it sooner than I did before.

But God

Hello everyone! It has been a while since I have gotten to talk to you all. I'm in my second week of radiation, I have 6 more weeks to go. I was told to expect sunburn-like sensitivity in the area being treated and fatigue. I am beginning to feel both but for now, all is going well.

I have been working overtime canning jams and jellies to sell at NEO Community Garden upcoming Fall Fest on Sept. 28th. I am selling them as a fundraiser for my daughter's band trip to Disney World where they will march in the Disney parade.

I am not a professional canner by any stretch of the imagination. I enjoy making them but it can get very frustrating when they don't set or don't seal. I am ashamed to admit how many times I have had to remake batches of product.

I will say that canning is NOT like cooking at all. I am always finding recipes for things to cook, but I will often leave out things I don't like or don't have on hand. I substitute all the time, but with canning, you MUST follow the recipe AND instructions. 

I am always looking for what the Lord may want to teach me in every situation and I was reminded of a challenging conversation with Janie on the Woman to Woman broadcast where we discussed how easily we can get caught up "doing God's will - our way". 

I can find myself saying, "But God!" I know! I know! That phrase is very popular these days as a way to give praise for God's intervention. However, I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "But MOM!" from my kids and they are never praising me...LOL! Just like adults, they have their own ideas about how they want to do things or what they think will work better.

I know that I have said, "But God!" in objection many times in my life in an effort to change His decision or request. It has never made anything better to try to excuse my behavior with "But God knows my heart", or with "But God loves me anyway".

I have learned the hard way that my own ideas about how I want to do things just doesn't work; for canning or otherwise. So, there are strict rules for canning so the product will set and seal properly. God has strict rules for us so that we can be protected and preserved.

It takes discipline to follow instruction and leave my own thoughts and opinions out of the equation. As a parent, I have rules for my kids that I expect them to follow. The same is true for me as God's child; He expects me to follow His rules and instruction.

There are scriptures that are hard sayings; "But God" should never be my response. His rules are not in place to hurt me. His great love of the cross is proof of it.

I love God's tender way of teaching me valuable lessons in everyday situations. Sometimes it takes me a while to get it "But God" is gracious and long-suffering. So, now I'm following the recipe and making great progress on the jams and jellies and I gained a little wisdom along the way. 

The School of Life

It has been a good recovery from surgery so far. My right arm has hurt the worst from the removal of the lymph node. The lumpectomy took a little longer than expected because the tumor was completely gone so the goal was to retrieve the clip that was placed on the tumor during the biopsy. A large amount of tissue was removed and sent in for testing along with the lymph node.

The pathology report from those specimens has come back with negative results for cancer! I can do nothing but praise God for His mighty works. He has been so good to me through this entire process. He has worked through the hands of the doctors and nurses, through the hands of my friends and family, and through the hands of total strangers.

My mom and sister were here to help me with my physical needs during the hardest part of my recovery. There is something humbling about allowing others to come alongside you and do the things that you would normally do yourself, but I can't imagine what I would have done without them.

They live so far away we don't often get to do things together. We took advantage of the time to have some fun. They brought apples from Dad's apple tree and we (I couldn't do much) canned apple pie filling and apple peel jelly. We made apple cobbler and blackberry cobbler from my blackberries. Of course, some may not call that fun, but we had a blast. One night we had a PJ party, I think that is always considered fun. We watched some old classic movies and did a lot of talking and laughing.

These are all precious moments that I will treasure forever. Cancer, as hard as it is, has been the catalyst that has ignited friendships, prompted family visits, and forced me to move outside myself. I started this blog long before I was diagnosed with cancer, but I didn't feel comfortable sharing some of the things that God was teaching me.

I figured my training was kindergarten in comparison to others. But what I have learned is that no lesson is above or below grade. We can all learn from each other but the teacher is God Himself. He is the only one that can tell us how to apply each lesson to our own lives.

We all have things we face that are just as traumatic as a cancer diagnosis. It may not be as life-threatening, but it can be just as traumatic. The school of life can bring hard knocks. Therefore, every situation can have a benefit to our own character growth and help us gain wisdom for the next phase of life. Situations become lessons learned and testimonies to share with others that could help them on their journey.

It is humbling to expose some of the things God teaches me but I remind myself that "pride comes before the fall" Proverbs 16:18. No one benefits from a life that pretends to have it all together and everything figured out. The school of life continues forever.

Now and Forever

I have had a productive chemo recovery and prepared myself as much as possible for tomorrow's surgery. It has been effective for me to busy my mind with other things so I didn't get too worked up over this dreaded day.

Terry and I had our 27th anniversary on June 6th. We recently enjoyed a night out to dinner to celebrate. Since I am now able to taste food it was worth the wait. Our date didn't exactly go as planned but we were together and that is all that really matters.

Cancer has caused me to have some emotional breakdowns, physical exhaustion, fogged thinking, and many other unexpected side effects, but through it all, Terry has encouraged me. His quiet, calm confidence is solid and keeps me grounded.  He is the most amazing man. Everyone who knows him will most likely agree with that statement.

He does not like to be bragged on, but I'm going to do it anyway (don't tell him)! There are so many little things that he does that expresses his love. He may not give me flowers or candy, but he gives me himself, all that he is and has every day. I am so grateful that I get to call him Honey and he calls me Dear.

With Christ in the center of our marriage, I'm looking forward to spending the next 27 plus years in Terry's arms and by his side. I am proud to be his wife now and forever.

Preparing for Surgery

I can't believe how quickly time has passed. My last chemo treatment was May 28th but it seems like it was only a couple of weeks ago. The neuropathy has disappeared in my fingers, I feel it occasionally in my toes, but under the circumstance, I am very grateful it's not worse. My taste buds have healed and my appetite is back (that's not so great for the waistline) but it is nice be able to taste food again.

I have been spending most of my time preparing for breast surgery, which is July 15th. It has put me on a quest to complete some tasks that have been staring at me throughout my chemo treatments. Other things just started piling up after chemo started, but thankfully I have completed most of them.

I had a great time with my dad and brother when they came for a visit. We had the most fun making fry bread for tacos. It was an unplanned, last minute idea that sent us to the store twice, made a huge mess in the kitchen, and caused us to eat later than normal, but it brought the most memorable moments.

Sometimes the best things we do together are the hardest to achieve. We almost gave up on the idea because it wasn’t coming together very easily. It took great effort to find a recipe, gather the ingredients, dig out the fryer, and research the technique. We made a few mistakes and failed on our first three breads, which we found pretty tasty as a snack before dinner. It was all worth it in the end, not just because we had great tacos, but because we had a great time.

It made me think about the great effort it takes to live as a Christian; the mistakes we make, the trials we go through, the persecutions we face, and the many times we fail, but it is all worth it in the end. It takes effort to seek His word and dig out the truth. It takes effort to accept His word over what we want for ourselves. It is easier to give up and go with the flow of the world around us. It is easier to give in to our own wants and desires.

I have heard many times that cancer isn’t for sissies; well, I can say the same about Christianity, it is not for sissies. Those of us who choose to be Christians are not given a special bubble to live in that keeps us from troubles, heartache, illness, or catastrophe. What we are given is a special relationship with the God of creation, through Jesus His Son (John 3:16).

In this relationship we find the wisdom, encouragement, strength, and faith to endure through all that life puts before us. We find amazing grace, unstoppable love, unexplainable peace, great joy, and a life that is worth living. The most difficult times can be the most rewarding. The hardest obsticles can be the greatest moments. God makes all things work for good to those that love Him (Romans 8:28). 

Cancer has effected every part of my life. I have had to deal with physical limitations, challenged on the emotional roller coaster, and spiritually stretched in my faith. Through my relationship with the Lord, I have found His word to be true; all things have worked for good.   

I still have surgery and radiation to go through on this cancer journey, but God is sufficient and He will see me through it all.

Recovering From Chemo

Recovering from chemo has been an interesting process. I have already started getting some strange wool-like fuzz growing on my head. I'm getting feeling back in my fingers and toes and even the sticky sinus drainage has started to decrease.

I am able to taste more things than I did a few weeks ago and I am working on increasing my energy level but still find that I tire easily from simple tasks.

I was blessed with a visit from my nephew and his family from Florida along with my sister from Nevada last weekend.

It was such a wonderful gift because I was able to take my mind off the next stage of my treatment and escape, like a mini vacation, and enjoy time with them.

It is amazing how God gives us exactly what we need at the moment we need it; even when we don't know we need anything at all.

Their visit became a sort of "end of chemo" celebration before having to focus on my next portion of treatment so the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

There always seems to be some obstacle to overcome through this cancer fight. The mental, emotional, and physical strength it takes to face the next stage is always a process of finding the courage to move forward.

Their visit gave me the break I needed and refreshed me for the fight. I got to do things that I hadn't felt like doing for a while.

We went for walks, played board games, and I ate some great food (most of it I could actually taste). I cannot thank them enough for taking their vacation, sacrificing their time, and giving of themselves to come to see me.

Now, I move toward breast surgery then radiation therapy. I have an appointment with the Radiation Oncologist next week to discuss what to expect with radiation. The following week I have an appointment with the Surgeon to discuss my options and schedule surgery. 

As I recover from chemo, I am mustering the courage to continue the fight. I remember that the Lord is my strength. I can face anything when I put on the Armor of God and hold the Sword in my hand as well as in my heart.

The Courage to Fight

For the first time in 16 weeks, I am not facing chemo treatments. It seems strange to be at this stage in the process because, oddly enough, chemo seems to become a routine of life.

I remember being scared to even start chemo and had to muster the courage to move forward in spite of my fear. Then, I found myself in the strange position of being scared to stop chemo and had to muster the courage to surrender to my doctor's recommendation.

I have had a group of friends who have sacrificed their time taking me to my chemo treatments, doctor appointments, and basic errand running. They have prepared meals, given gift cards for area restaurants, massaged my feet, brought me gifts, and checked on me daily for any needs that may arise. I have received cards and texts of encouragement every day. I cannot say enough about these women and the love they have shown me. 

Women who have walked this road before me always say that cancer is not for sissies. They are determined to set their minds to fight, "kicking cancer's rear." I have been encouraged by those women who endured the weight of cancer and all that comes with the diagnosis. They are the warriors who have gone before in battle and cheer me on from the other side.

The fight is bigger than the disease or the cure, the fight encompasses every part of who I am. Some days I have been in a battle of fighting fears, other days I have battled wrong thoughts and maybe even depression. The battle of fatigue is hard because it has caused me to feel like I miss out on the "normal" life I have always had.

Battling the side effects has always been exhausting because there are so many that affect everyday life ~ from food to bathroom breaks, which then goes back to the battle of fatigue, depression, and fears. Fighting the battle takes courage and determination every single day.

I am still in the middle of my cancer battle. At this point, I will have 4 to 6 weeks of chemo recovery time before I lay on the operating table for breast surgery. Now, another fight begins; facing unknowns and fears, decisions and doctors orders. What will it be like on the other side and how will my life be changed?

God has taught me so much through this first stage of the battle and I know I have many more lessons to learn. I am thankful for my friends and family who have made sacrifices to come alongside me and fight with me. I am thankful for the warriors who are on the other side cheering me on and I look forward to standing alongside them one day cheering on others in the middle of the battle.

Communicating Neuropathy

Only four more treatments to go!!! However, we have now come to the point that neuropathy is a real issue. I have started feeling a slight numbness in my fingers and toes.

The Oncology team has always evaluated the neuropathy each week to determine whether or not I will continue with the next treatment, but now it is serious enough that each week could be my last because they don't want to cause permanent damage to my body.

It is critical that I be able to communicate what I am feeling because neuropathy cannot be seen, tested, or examined. I'm not sure I did a very good job describing these new and strange sensations; I looked for comparisons and examples, but I didn't feel confident in my explanation.

It would be so much easier if the Doc could take my hand, mash my fingertips, examine my fingernails, and tell me the stage of neuropathy I'm at but unfortunately for me, clear communication is the only way to be safe.

Communication is difficult that's why there are so many misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and bruised relationships which can cause permanent damage to the heart. Neuropathy is the only side effect that can cause permanent damage to the body, so my future health depends on my clear communication.

It's not always easy to find the right words at the right time to say exactly what you want to say. It's not easy for the listener to wait in silence while we find those words either so they begin to talk and communication is lost. Many times this is why we keep talking through our thoughts and sometimes say things we really don't mean; we are just trying to hold our place in the conversation. This is one of the many issues that can arise.

This is the same issue that arises in our prayer life. Communicating with God can feel complicated if we think we have to know exactly what we want to say and have all the right words at the right time. I found out recently that this is why many people say recited prayers; this is especially true for our children and young Christians. But, a lack of meaningful communication to God in prayer can cause permanent damage to our soul.

I remember when I was a child, my siblings and I had the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer every night. I did not pass that prayer to my children because I wanted them to have more meaningful communication with the Lord. However, they somehow managed to find a comfortable prayer and began reciting it every night. They had a slightly different prayer for the morning.

When I asked them about it, they admitted that they didn't always know what to say and it felt strange to have silence during prayer time while they thought through what they wanted to say.

I assured them that silence was a great part of prayer and much needed for us to hear God speak. This gave them the freedom to take their time, think, listen, and share with God from their hearts.

What a blessing our prayer time is now! It is more meaningful and heartfelt. I get to hear what they are truly thankful for. They share their fears, doubts, and insights as they express to God their heart. I get to agree with them in prayer and add things they are praying for to my prayer list.

Matthew 6 gives us some pointers on prayer. We have warnings, not to pray with vain (meaningless) repetitions, not to pray just to be heard by others, but to pray to our heavenly Father from our heart. We find the model prayer here and the command of forgiveness. It's a great chapter on trusting God in prayer, what things to pray for, instruction for fasting, and so much more.

Prayer is our communication with God and our very life depends on it. Neglecting prayer will cause permanent damage to our life just as neglecting the signs of neuropathy causes permanent damage.

Communication is so important and with communication comes silence, listening, caution with words, and care; just because a thought comes to our mind does not mean we have to say it. Holding our place in the conversation is not as important as saying the right words, even if we have to wait for another turn to say it.

The Zombie Apocalypse

Well, I'm almost to the end. I just finished treatment number 11 of 16, so I have 5 more to go. For the first time in many weeks, I did not have insomnia on chemo night. It must be due to the fact that I am now dealing with fatigue more than ever before.

Fatigue is defined as extreme tiredness or exhaustion. I'm not sure that really covers it all. It almost feels like a place of complete vegetation or zombie-like state. I struggle to do anything productive and mindlessly move about the house with all efforts to get back to my chair.

Since I feel like a zombie, it made me curious about the zombie apocalypse that has all the sci-fi drama and causes some of us to laugh at the thought of people believing it will come true.

So, I looked it up. A zombie apocalypse is a widespread rise of zombies hostile to human life engaging in a general assault on civilization. This sounds familiar. We have one group of people hostile against another group of people and they engage in verbal assaults and accusations that destroy peoples lives.

According to my research, a person becomes a zombie when they are infected by other zombies, which can be through physical contact or through the air. Okay, so, if we think of the airways as a means of infection and we think of the zombies as those who push the world views, then zombies are infecting us and our children every day.

Since this is a blog for Christian mentoring, I will say that this should concern us as believers. Could we be taking on some of the world views simply because we are watching too much news, celebrity talk shows, or television in general?

There is a popular tv show where a group of women discusses the latest news and highlights in front of a live audience. One day they were discussing a controversial judge ruling of a celebrity. When the women on the panel agreed with the ruling there was overwhelming praise from the audience. Then when the women disagreed with the ruling there was overwhelming praise from the audience. Was there anyone in the audience who would disagree with the thoughts of the women on the panel?

Do we somehow think that celebrities, politicians, professors, etc are the final authority of how we should think and believe? Our final authority is the Word of God; it is absolute truth in this age of claims that there are no absolute truths - something has to be absolute - a claim that there is "no absolute truth" is a claim of absolute in itself.

It can be difficult in the workplace, school, and in social settings to stand against the views that are against God's truth. People can almost make us feel guilty for not having "compassion for causes" that are against our Christian faith. But, our compassion is for their eternal soul not for their temporal cause.

I get concerned that my children will be zombie infected so I work hard at home to teach them the truth of God's word. Since my cancer diagnosis, I was unable to finish writing the school day devotions, but I never stopped teaching them His word. I can't teach them what I don't know so I have to spend time learning it as well.

I know how it feels to want to veg-out and not think. To turn on a mindless movie and escape the stress of the day. To play one of the many mindless games on our phone or tablet. To do nothing because your just too tired to do anything. But, when that becomes the constant outlet, is my mind more susceptible to becoming one of the undead zombies because it is easier to just let others think for me?

I could start letting the pastor and teachers tell me what God's word says rather than getting in and reading, studying, digging, praying, researching it for myself. I could actually become a zombie Christian, going through the motions of Christianity because that's what I have been told to do, say, think, and believe, but never really know it in my heart. Neglecting God's word will put me and my children at risk of becoming zombies; Christian or otherwise.

So, I laugh no more! We are already in a zombie apocalypse, just not in the way I have always thought of it.

A Lesson From Cancer

Having cancer has caused me to slow down and reevaluate my life. As I look back, I remember that this time last year I was Program Director for KWXC 88.9 FM, Producer of a local radio program, Host of another radio program, Editor of four weekly programs, Voice Over Actor for radio commercials, Creator of feature radio liners, Billing Clerk for sponsorship, Administrator for the FCC quarterly reports, Teacher of a ladies Sunday School class, Director of Women's Ministries for my church, Wife, and Mother.

I'm not listing all of that to brag or pat myself on the back. I list all of it because it is true and I'm baffled at how I was able to accomplish it all. Sadly, I will also say, that it is pretty much listed in the order of attention. My family became last on the list of daily agenda.

A dear friend pointed out to me yesterday that all of these things were not handed to me at one time, but one by one they were added to my plate. If the full plate had been handed to me all at once then I would have realized the magnitude of it all. Instead, I would gently move things around to make room for one more thing that needed to be done.

I have always heard that the order in which we should prioritize our Christians lives is God first, family second, and ministry last. I have to confess, I have struggled tremendously with this structure because my soul desire has been to be a vessel of the Lord out of my great love for Him.

I have desperately wanted to be used by Him however He chooses so, putting God first became every opportunity of service/ministry and the line between God first and ministry last became blurred; therefore in my eyes, doing service/ministry became putting God first, but in all reality, both God and my family were squeezed out.

Cancer has caused me to give up many of these titles and in the process gave me time to study His word for hours, time to listen for His voice in prayer, time to seek His face for wisdom, and time to grow in grace and knowledge. It's hard to say that cancer is a blessing; that doesn't even make common sense, but I am so thankful to have been given these lessons. I do wonder if I would have ever learned them apart from this cancer diagnosis.

If I can give anything to you, reader, let it be a warning to evaluate your service/ministry to the Lord. Please make sure you are not getting your priorities blurred. Has your service/ministry become putting God first in your eyes? Don't wait for a hardship to get things in order.

If my warning isn't enough, then let the words of Samuel to King Saul be a warning to us all. "And Samuel said, Has the Lord as great delight in burned offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has also rejected you from being king" 1 Samuel 15:22-23.

King Saul was in the service/ministry of the Lord, yet he was not in obedience to the Lord in that service/ministry. He listened to the demands of the people, his own pride, he followed the rules of burnt offerings and sacrifices, but ignored the voice of the Lord, rejected His word, and lost everything.

Behind the Mask

I don't know about ya'll but I like to control changes in my life; if I want a change then I will seek it out no matter the cost, but if I am content with the way things are then I will avoid change at all costs. I didn't seek out this change nor could I avoid it, but my life has definitely changed and it all started with a phone call from my doctor to say, "I'm sorry Sharon, it's cancer".

Sometimes change is inevitable and unavoidable. Maybe it's a knock on the door from the military or an urgent call from the hospital. It could be a job loss, financial troubles, eviction notice, or any number of other things that are beyond our control. I have said before that my life will never be the same so it might as well be better on the other side, so each day I seek the Lord for ways I can be better, and this week He surprised me.

Every Monday morning I have an appointment at 10am for a blood test to check if I will be able to have my treatment on Tuesday. Getting ready has gotten easier because I have pretty much mastered putting on my scarf. However, this time, I could not get it looped, tied, tucked, or twisted. I tried several times, several ways, and several scarves. I even cried a little before I completely ran out of time to try again; Janie was here and I had to go.

I had never been out in the community without a scarf on my head, but today I had no choice except to go bald. I grabbed a hoodie so that I would at least have a little covering. As you can see, I had my sunglasses on and a mask of course, but I didn't look at myself in the mirror before being dropped at the door of the hospital. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass doors as I entered. Wow, I thought, you look scary.

My friend Madeline works in registration and I really like her co-workers. We always have lively conversations and laughter which is very encouraging to me as I begin another dreaded week of treatment. They have a way of making me forget why I'm there. Madeline said, "Doesn't she look like a-a-a-a uh terrorist?" I thought she was going to say a sniper or military person, but she was right, I looked like a bald-headed terrorist! Once again it was great laughter, but it started with frustration and tears.

It made me wonder how many times I had fought to make something happen or refused to humble myself in transparency. Don't you think we often "put on" a mask that shows how we want others to see us? We try to hide under the scarf, behind the smile, or inside the latest styles so to speak? Why are we afraid of letting people see who we really are? We think if they see our weakness then they will reject us, but the Lord tells Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. Could it be that God is just waiting for us to put down the mask and be transparent in our weakness so that His power can be made perfect?

Paul goes on to say, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me". He gives us the power to live free of guilt, shame, embarrassment, insecurity, humiliation, discouragement, fear, anxiety, control, etc. Could this be why many of us Christians are living powerless lives? We just can't get over fears, anxieties, insecurities; we just can't stop giving into sin; we refuse to forgive; we can't let go of the past; we refuse to let Christ be our all in all.

Isn't it about time we stopped crawling on our hands and knees under the weight of the mask we put on? Shouldn't we let God's grace be sufficient in our weakness so that His power can rest on us? I don't want to hide my weaknesses, but be transparent about them so that His power is made perfect in it and so that He will be made strong in my life and get all the glory in my weakness.

A Humble Prayer

Well, I have made it to the halfway mark with my treatments; this was number 8 of 16. Dr. Miller did an exam and the tumor could not be detected. He said there could still be microscopic cancer cells actively trying to reproduce so we will continue with treatments for the duration of the original 16 treatment protocol even though there is not a visible tumor.

Oncology Nurse Becky

I am thankful for the research that has gone beyond the visible tumor to see the invisible areas that are hidden to the physical exam. It would be easy for me to jump at the chance to stop treatments right now and not have to have breast surgery at all and let this cancer journey come to an end. However, hidden beneath, my cancer would continue to grow and soon I would have to start this entire process all over again.

Treatment #8

Maybe this is what happens to me spiritually sometimes. I immediately take care of those sins that are obvious. Maybe I lose my temper or make an ugly comment about a situation or person. I ask for forgiveness from the person, from God, and do what I can to make it right. But even though I am honest in my repentance, I may find myself doing the exact same thing the next week or day and I go through the entire process again. 

Just as those cancer cells could be beneath the visible surface, there could be some sin below the visible surface of my heart which causes the obvious sins to keep rising up out of me. Could it be a hurt or wound that I haven't forgiven? Could I be disobedient in an area of my life? What could be hidden in my heart?

I'm reminded of David's words in the Psalms 19:12, he says, "Who can understand his errors? cleanse You me from secret faults." He also prays, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" Psalm 139:23-24. This is a humbling prayer because it is difficult to accept what God may reveal.

I trust my doctor and his team to take care of me physically; to kill my cancer and build me back to health, even when it's not what I want to hear or do. How much more can I trust my Heavenly Father to care for me spiritually, cleanse my heart, and lead me in the way everlasting?

I think I will humble myself, pray this prayer, and repent of what the Lord reveals because I trust Him with my life.

Facing My Own Mortality

My dad and I a few years ago

My dad says that the older you get the more you realize your own mortality. You know that your days are number and you try to prepare for what will inevitably come. However, we don't know when we are going to die. God never promised each of us would live into our old age. When we are young, we plan for our future, dying never really crosses our mind. We feel invincible with our whole life ahead of us.

Treatment #6

However, getting old is not the only time we come face to face with our own mortality. I am certainly no "spring chicken" but I still want to plan my future and seek what things may be just beyond my fingertips, to see around the bend of the next phase in my life. 

Having cancer doesn't always mean a death sentence. There have been many advances in medicine to fight all kinds of cancer with great success and many, many, many lives have been saved. 

Rachel's Dance

 I am fighting to be one of those success stories but if you have ever faced your own mortality; whether by age or by health issues, there is a place down deep that is preparing for the "what if". What if this is my last Resurrection Sunday with my family? What if this is the last concert I get to watch my son perform? What if this is the last dance I get to help my daughter dress for? What if this is the last anniversary with my husband?

Noah's Concert

Now, please don't get me wrong, I am not going into depression or giving up, but the lesson I am taking away from these "what if's" is that every moment should count whether cancer takes my life or I am a success story to live many more years. Every picture is valuable, every holiday special, every event isolated, and with that, every person unique and every relationship distinctive. How often I have taken life for granted; my husband, kids, friends, gifts, talents, jobs, and God.    

With all that said, since starting chemo I have given up driving because I don't think quickly or clearly enough to make driving decisions. I spend most of my days at home; resting and caring for myself. 

So, I can fill my day with anything that I feel like. I have been advised that I can eat anything I feel like eating. I can do anything I feel like doing. I can go anywhere I feel like going. I sleep when I feel like sleeping and work when I feel like working. It's all about listening to my body and giving it what it "feels" like. With this kind of protocol, I can fill my day with complete nothingness if I feel like it. 

So, the other morning, I scolded my daughter for piddling around instead of getting ready for school. "I don't know if you are getting lost in daydreams, messing on the phone, or going back to sleep but you have to stop piddling around and get ready," I said sternly. 

Five minutes after she made her way out the door I was comfortably positioned in what I call my Shepherd's Field where I spend time with God in prayer and scriptures. I heard God say to me, "You are getting lost in daydreams." 

It is always so astounding to me when God uses situations as a parable to teach me about myself. As I reflected I could see the times that my daydreams led me to my phone for conversation or information and fell asleep to God's voice. 

Every moment counts and I don't want to waste another one lost and asleep to this wonderful life God has given me and I don't want to miss out on another word God has to say to me. 

I am assured of God's mercy, faithfulness, and compassion in the scriptures. "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good to them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him" Lamentations 3:20-25.    

Revolutionary Changes

I started on the new drug, "Taxol" this week; the first of 12 weeks. I'm not sure how it will affect me in comparison to the last 4 treatments of adriamycin and cyclophosphamide. I have been told that this new drug will not be as hard on me as the others were which is why we are able to move to weekly treatments instead of every 2 weeks. One of the new pre-meds with this drug is Benadryl, which gave me great sleep right after chemo. However, I still get a steroid that gives me insomnia. I hoped for a little counteraction with them but here I am wide awake in the middle of the night.

I want to give an update on how things went last week with the new strategies. I began taking high-quality enzymes on Monday of last week, the next day I got a Vitamin B shot. I have to be honest, if I had known how painful that shot was going to be I may have wimped out, but I am thankful I didn't (sorry if I ruined it for you). I started feeling better by Wednesday, then by Friday the enzymes were doing their job and I was able to feel true relief from the sluggish stomach and gut pain. 

Toni Hebel and Sharon Hoskins

For the first time since treatment began, I felt like getting outside and piddling in the garden on Saturday. And for the first time in weeks, I felt like going to church on Sunday. It was perfect timing because Dr. Bruce and Toni Hebel were back in town to host a 3-day conference "Forgiving Forward" and I actually felt good enough to attend all three nights this week. 

When I attended this conference three years ago it dramatically changed my life. I shared some of it with you in 2016: Hindsight is 20/20. Toni coached me through the seven protocols of forgiveness that they teach at the conference. I forgave wounds from my childhood and wounds from recent events. I also found that forgiving the wounds I had inflicted on myself became important as well. 

When I completed all the protocols for each wound, it felt like a balloon had been blown up into my chest cavity. I could breathe in more air; fresh clean air with no restrictions. My heart could beat freely and I became a new person with new thoughts and a renewed peace.

Toni suggested putting a balloon somewhere in my home to remind me to never allow the sin of unforgiveness into my life again. So, a balloon has remained by my bed in the place that I prayed until this day.

When I attended this week, I was reminded of the importance of checking my heart frequently. It is easy to revert back to old ways of thinking when dealing with situations and find ourselves wounded once more. The balloon had become a common household item that didn't grab my attention so I will be getting a new balloon and find a better place to display it.

My friend Janie always says that we should keep short accounts and daily ask God to cleanse us of our hidden sins (Psalm 19:12). God is always faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness if we will confess them (1 John 1:9). Unforgiveness is a sin and I know the difference forgiving can make in my life. I ask for it from God so I should be willing to give it to others. Therefore, I choose to forgive and continue to use the protocols when I am wounded.

I am thankful for these protocols, the teachings, and encouragement that Dr. Bruce and Toni share. I am very thankful for the difference it has all made in my life. If you would like to know about how forgiveness can change your life go to forgivingforward.com to learn more. 

Join the forgiveness revolution!!!   

My New Strategies

When I was a kid there were three staples for when we were sick; 7UP, chicken noodle soup, and crackers. Now, I don’t believe there is anything “healing” about any one of these items, but there was something comforting about having it delivered to my bed on a tray during those sick days. It also seemed to be soothing to the stomach that didn’t want to be bothered with anything.

I started chemo on Feb. 12, 2019, and that first treatment made me sick to my stomach. My first reaction was to deal with that pain with the comfort of the old standby; 7UP, chicken noodle soup, and crackers but it didn’t work. So, I decided to leave my stomach alone and let it “run its course” because that’s what we did when I was a kid; let the flu, virus, or cold “run its course”.

After my second treatment, I figured out that this is not something that is going to “run its course” on its own. I don’t have the flu; I am getting a chemical that is killing healthy cells along with the cancerous ones and it is being injected into my body over and over again. It was time to rethink my strategy. I needed a plan that would work at increasing my health and give my body what it needed to stay strong.

I want to share some of the new strategies that I am trying. Now, I am not a doctor nor am I claiming that these things will work for you if you are going through chemo. I simply want to share my experiences and the effects that these new strategies have had on me in case you would like to try any of them for yourself or even share with a loved one.

My new strategy for my stomach:
I am keeping a close eye on my PH levels. I have found that keeping it balanced between 7.3 and 7.4 helps my stomach stay calm. If it is too acidic I use 1/3 teaspoon of baking soda in 8 to 14 oz of water. I have also gotten some Alka Seltzer Gold to help with any acid indigestion. To check my PH, I use test strips which can be found in the diabetic section of your local store.

I am finding it helpful to try to eat more alkaline foods. However, food is a very touchy subject because it's difficult to find something that sounds good or tastes good. I have gotten to the point that I hate to eat but eating is important even if it doesn't taste good. This chart made it easy for me to make some better choices in food selection and to eat for my health, not for my taste buds which no longer work (a side effect of chemo).

Now, if you notice on the chart, many of the foods are ones that may be hard to digest so I have incorporated enzyme capsules to help my digestion. As I understand it, chemo is killing many cells in my body; both healthy and cancerous. These dead cells accumulate somewhere inside if they are not processed through the digestive system and excreted. Enzymes help with that very important process whether I am eating the foods on the chart or having food from a drive-thru window. So, I am trying 2 capsules with every meal and 1 capsule with every snack.

Water, of course, this is always important for all of us, but I found it to be one of the most important things that I could do. Just like food, it is very difficult sometimes to drink, but it helps when it comes time for the weekly blood draws. One week I was so dehydrated that the lab couldn't find a good vein and blood had to be pulled from my port. Besides, it helps flush the dead cells out of my body. I have also been taking minerals each day and it seems to be helping most of the time. I personally use mineral waters.

This all sounds very logical, but when I'm sick logic doesn't always win. There have been days that I have curled up in a ball and gone without any of these things because I just couldn't muster the courage to get up. Fortunately, I have friends and family that will push me out of my ball and give me what I need. I found that I am not a very good nurse to myself, especially when I am in pain.

My new strategy for treatment days:
Before my treatments, I rub a lavender blend of essential oils on my tummy to keep it from tightening up. Since getting sick the first day of treatment, my nerves have a tendency to tighten up and the lavender keeps it calm so that I don’t get a knot in my gut that lasts for days. I also use this during the week if I find my stomach getting tense. 

Getting a foot massage during treatment has also been a huge help in keeping me relaxed. I have been fortunate enough to have a friend who is willing to do that for me each time but if you don’t have someone it may be something that you could try to do yourself. Working the tight areas you find on your feet will give you some relief and relax your whole body. If you can’t reach your feet then perhaps an automated or manual foot massager could be an option.

My new strategy for side effects:

There is a list of side effects that are different for each individual and treatment. One of the side effects that I have and found to be very painful has been mouth sores. When I brushed my teeth with my regular soft bristle toothbrush it felt like I was using a wire brush in my mouth. So I bought a special soft toothbrush for cancer and chemo patients and switched to sensitive toothpaste. 

I also invested in a water flosser which I used every morning, evening, and after every meal whenever possible. This made my mouth sores go away so I stopped using the water flosser so faithfully; "Yay it worked!" so I quit but my sores returned. Now I am back to using it as regularly as I can and my mouth sores are gone. 

Now, I still have bad days along with good ones, but these are just a few of the new strategies to help me fight the bad ones and give me more of the good ones and I give praise to my Heavenly Father for every day that I have; both good and bad. I will keep you posted on any new strategies that I come across along the way. And if you have any advice for me please use the comment section to share them. I would very much appreciate learning your strategies as well.  

My Progress

I just finished my fourth treatment this week and I thought this might be a good time to update everyone on the progress that is happening. The protocol that I have been given requires 16 chemotherapy treatments with 3 different kinds of drugs. My first two drugs were given together; Adriamycin injections and Cyclophosphamide IV drip 4 treatments over the course of 8 weeks. This portion is now complete.

During this time the tumor in my breast has been measured. The first measuring of my tumor, before any treatment, was 6 cm (by hand). Before my second treatment, my tumor measured 3 cm (by hand). Before my fourth treatment, we had trouble locating the tumor at all. It is still there but not measurable by hand.

This has not been an easy process, overcoming my fear of chemo is easier now that I am in the midst of the battle and learning how to help my body stay balanced. Hearing these reports of my tumor shrinking gives me encouragement. I know that chemo is the cure that I must face but I never want to overlook the wonderful things that God is doing in my life along the way.

The next drug I will be getting is called Taxel or Paclitaxel. These treatments begin on April 9 and will be given every week over the next 12 weeks. I don’t know how my body will react to this drug but I have the assurance that the Lord will continue to teach me great lessons along the way. 

I have met some wonderful people through this journey and our paths would have never crossed if I didn’t have cancer. I have also formed some treasured friends and a tight bond with those closest to me. Thank you all for your prayers, texts, calls, sacrifices, visits, cards, gifts, meals, and friendship; I love you all.

Just Cosmetics

Going shopping is described by many people as fun and exciting, but others find it to be a stressful, dreaded excursion. I think it all depends on the shopping purpose. My husband and I have had the same living room furniture since before our wedding day over 25 years ago. We love the style and comfort but it is starting to show a little wear. So, shopping for new furniture could be fun and exciting, shopping for toilet paper; not so much. But getting “new” doesn’t always mean better. I’m kind of fond of the old things; they are durable, beautiful, and dependable. 

As you know, one of the side effects of my treatment is hair loss. I’ve been told it will probably grow back different; color, texture, curly, etc. I don’t know what “new” hair I will get. 

My fingernails will also be affected by treatments. They have always grown out so perfectly strong and looking like a French manicure. They are beginning to turn dark at the root. I don’t know what process they will go through or what the “new” will look like in the end.

I find myself dreading these kinds of unknowns. When we go shopping we don’t know what we will find, but we do have some choices on the outcome. But when we have no control over the results then the unknowns can be scary. In the overall grand scheme of things who cares what my hair or nails look like, I will have my life which is much greater than the cosmetics of it.

In that same respect, our life here on this earth is just a moment of time; the cosmetic, if you will, of the grander eternity. "For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower thereof falls away" 1 Peter 1:24. 

Yet, many times we are wrapped up in the cosmetics of this moment of life and forget the bigger picture of our eternal. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" John 3:16. 

Could it be because we see the eternal as an unknown that we have no control over? Could it be that people refuse Jesus Christ as Savior because of the fear of unknown or of giving up control of this moment of life? What will it cost me? What will it change? What will people say? I asked these very questions once, but after almost 20 years I can honestly say, there is nothing to fear. 

"But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life" Titus 3:4-7.  

Is It Chemo Brain?

I have been told by loving members of my family that I march to the beat of my own drum. It is also well known, by all those who know me, that when it comes to the joke department I often need it explained in picture form or I may get it hours later and laugh alone. So, ever since I started chemo, I have jokingly used "chemo brain" as my excuse for my crazy antics, forgetfulness, and punch-line silence.

However, this week during my third chemo treatment, I can't decide if this funny story was really due to chemo brain or not; so I thought I would share the story and let you decide.

If you read my last post, Fighting the Battle, you know about my quest to learn a different battle plan for this fight. I collaborated with my friend and radio co-host, Janie Ratzlaff, because she has fought in these kinds of battles herself; she is a General with battle experience. We decided to try a few new things during this third treatment to see if they would work for how my body was reacting to the chemo; one of those things being reflexology.

We were sitting in the Oncology waiting room when my IV beeped, but before going to get unhooked I needed to go to the restroom. Janie was gathering our things. The restroom in the waiting room had a nice big door with a metal frame and it was only a few steps way, but when I got to the door the wheels of my IV pole would not go further than the door frame. I tried again; I looked up to see if it was hooking on the top. I tried three more times only to be perplexed by the wheels being pulled toward the door frame but not allowing me to go into the restroom.

"Janie!" I yelled in desperation, "There is some sort of magnetic force field that is preventing me from going inside the restroom! Watch!" I exclaimed and demonstrated. Janie came up behind me and stepped ever so slightly to the side and unplugged my IV pump from the wall. We both burst out laughing. A practical explanation never crossed my mind. My IV pump still plugged in? No, a magnetic force field had to be the answer...lol. As if I had been transported to some other dimension or suddenly aboard The Starship Enterprise!

When I got to the chemo room I told the story to Becky, my nurse and the other patients in the room. After we all took a minute to laugh, Becky said, "Sharon, did you get the information on chemo brain? It's a real thing!"

Yes, I believe it is a real thing, but given my history, I'm not sure that I can really classify this as an excuse for me. Janie said, "The funniest part is that you were so serious." But, then she sweetly said, "It was kind of a electromagnetic force; it was electricity."

Well, whether it is chemo brain or my own natural drum beating, we left chemo number three laughing down the elevator, through the hospital, and all the way home. The Bible says, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones" Proverbs 17:22. I can say that the second treatment left me with a broken spirit, sitting in my old trench, focused on my pain.

The things we tried different with my third treatment worked for my pain level and the laughter was an added bonus. God uses all kinds of things to teach us lessons and bless our lives. I'm thankful for Janie's wisdom and her sacrifice to physically get in the battle and fight with me on this day. Now, I have minimal pain with a merry heart.

So, what do you think ~ is it chemo brain?

Fighting the Battle

I have heard people talk about fighting cancer and although I know that is the root of my fight, I can't help but find myself fighting the battle of chemo everyday. It is a fight for my life, for the routines and activities with my kids and husband; the things that make up a normal daily life for me.

Just like every other human in the world, I have had my fair share of hard times; struggles, situations, and circumstances that left me with some residue that a battle had taken place. Scars of broken relationships, wounds of hurtful words, devastation of lost loved ones are all part of what we live with each day after battles in our lives. But, we learn how to "roll with the punches", "make lemonade", and/or "let go and let God."

This last chemo treatment was pretty difficult and it was only my second one. So, with 14 more to go I had to consider what I needed to change in how I was fighting. I evaluated my battle plan; my strategy and I discovered that I dug a trench at an early age and I have used the same one for every battle that has come along in my life.

However, in the midst of this battle, my old trench wasn't working. The tools were no longer useful and my old armor was not sufficient. I had to dig a new trench, fill it with different tools, and change out the armor because none of my old tactics would get me through this battle.

It is so easy to get stuck in routines of life; doing what "feels" right and sticking with what has worked in the past are some of the battle strategies I have used. But really, relying on feelings to determine the next step has failed me in this battle considering that I don't feel good most of the time.

We have a tendency to think how we feel so my thinking has not been good these past couple of weeks. I have to train my brain to think differently; to put my thinking over my feelings so that how I feel will not determine how I think. This takes discipline of the mind that I have not mastered yet, but am in the process of making it a reality in my life.

Several times in scripture we are commanded to renew our mind (Romans 12:1-2 and Ephesians 4:23) and to set our minds on things above (Colossians 3:2). We are encouraged, "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" 2 Corinthians10:4-5. So we have a choice in how we think and what we think; in the things we allow to become strong holds in our life.

I will admit that this is the most difficult battle I have ever faced in my life. My new trench is dug and the scriptures are my only tools, and I have put on the armor of God. For His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). For His word is sufficient for teaching me, reproving me, correcting me, and instructing me in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16).

My life will never be the same so it might as well be changed for the better as I go through the fire. Therefore I choose to let the fire refine me. "For You, O God, have tested us: You have tried us, as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction upon our loins. You have caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but You brought us out into an abundant place" Psalm 66:10-12.